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I just broke up with Gisele.
Supermodel Gisele Bundchen and I have been on the rocks for a while. Sure, maybe you haven’t read about our tumultuous relationship in Us Weekly, but I’m taking to Mommyfriend to bring you the exclusive.
Perfect Gisele gave birth to a perfect baby boy with her perfect husband, Tom Brady about 8 perfect months ago. Ever since she claimed her birth didn’t hurt “in the slightest” and was back in her skinny jeans 24 hours postpartum, things have been, well, strained between us. As if it wasn’t enough that her superior genetics made me feel subhuman, the fact that she potty trained her son at 6 months old and publicized it to the universe was enough to make me want to see other people.
Gisele’s latest stunt proved once and for all that it’s not me, it’s her.
She recently proclaimed in Harper’s Bazaar UK Fashion Issue that there should be a worldwide law that requires mothers to breastfeed their babies for at least 6 months.
A “worldwide law” huh? And who exactly oversees this imaginary Worldwide Law Federation? Perhaps it’s Gisele, Queen of Planet Earth.
And yes, for the gazillionth time, breastfeeding is best. We all know this; we hear it all the time, even in our sleep. The difference between Gisele and the rest of the Mommy Friend population (aside from the superior bone structure and hair of pure gold strands) is this:
Mommy Friends know that not every mother can breastfeed. There are women who simply don’t produce enough milk. There are women with health conditions that prohibit milk production. There are women in the midst of a nervous breakdown trying to nurse unsuccessfully. There are women who simply elect not to breastfeed. These are our choices to make as a mother.
Since we are apparently now instituting worldwide laws, maybe we can start a new law prohibiting mothers from telling other mothers how to mother.
Then again, it’s Gisele’s world, we’re just living in it.
MOMMYFRIEND 
Wait, what? Did she really potty train her son at 6 months old?? Ugh she is ridiculous. Even if the potty training part is a joke, I still can’t stand her. And yeah, since when can she proclaim to be the worldwide expert on motherhood? Snatch. 😉
She lost all credibility with me when she snagged a man with a pregnant girlfriend. Not very classy IMO. It went down hill from there.
I love mommyfriend. I am sure u will too! U can be a Mother, Grandmother, or the friend of a mother, it is for everyone. Enjoy!! I know i am!!
your friend,
Kimberly
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So all I am a beginner and I need some support.
Love the way you approached this. Great post. As always! 🙂
Excellent post Lori. Giselle and other mothers like her make chunks rise up in my throat and I’m not even a mom. She may be beautiful, but very ignorant and pretty much much a complete twit.
I honestly cringe every time she is pictured in a tabloid or online!
Oh, Gisele, talk to us after your once perky breasts are sagging down to your waist. Oh right– you’re superhuman.Great post, Lori!
Wow. My stomach is basically the complete oppostie of hers; just a bag of skin and fat and stretch marks left from a very, very painful 1st delivery, and high risk 2nd delivery. My 4 year old is still not fully potty trained. BUT, I did breast feed for 9 months with both. So does 2 out of 3 allow me to stay in Gisele’s world? Is a 67% good enough?
Amen, sister!
Also? Just because you’re gorgeous and your husband is gorgeous, doesn’t mean your brain is larger than a pea.
I’m all for YOUR law.
Seriously, that’s whacked out. How could that ever be enforced????
I hate her too. Why did she have to wear of half shirt for that picture? WHen my chldren were that small I looked like I had just eaten them and my face was a mess of hormonal acne. Ugh….some women have it so easy!
Gisele is so full of crap. I don’t believe a word that any mom celeb says about anything. 1 – its called photoshop. 2 – its called plastic surgery afterwards… It’s good the Queen, eh?
Yeah, giving birth doesn’t necessarily hurt, especially with that epidural (and then there are those like me for whom the epidural didn’t do anything for the pain…). Heh. Having one baby doesn’t make anybody an expert on anybody else’s baby, or even their own next baby. Just wait till she’s got a toddler to deal with.
That is too true. My son was premature and I tried to pump breastmilk for him. I did- successfully for 2 months and then it started disappearing…but she shouldn’t try to say it’s a REQUIREMENT. I say as long as they get at least the first couple weeks. Getting the colostrum is important and they have formula that is so much like breastmilk these days =)Awesome post. Cracked me up. Hope you can stop by sometime and say hey.http://sewcraftable.blogspot.com♥Jess
There should be a worldwide law against being an insensitive, self-righteous (pardon my french) Bi*ch!
Well said! I was rode hard with a guilt trip from my lactation consultant for electing to pump because my son was tongue-tied and wasn’t able to latch on well. It made me feel horrible. Like I was depriving him of something. Funny, She didn’t seem to mind taking my money for the pump rental.
I have a theory about Gisele. I think she hired a surrogate to carry her baby, then she wore a prosthetic bump (like in Knocked Up). The fact that she said labor didn’t hurt proves my point. Who looks that good, both during and after pregnancy? That Gisele is a tricky one!
I’m glad you guys brokeup. I was feeling jealous you spent more time with her anyways. LOL! It always amazes me that these people were once “regular.” Did they forget?
OUTSTANDING POST! You’re not the first blogger to rip on Gisele for being a punk. Who does she think she is, really? And did SHE potty train her son or did the nanny? I am so OVER moms who try to bring other moms down.
This made me laugh so hard! I’m used to celebrities looking amazing about, oh, 15 minutes after giving birth. But when she claimed that her birth did not hurt, she kind of lost me, too.
As a woman who has experienced both breastfeeding success and breastfeeding failure, I am with you on that point, too. I am 100% in support of making the effort to breastfeed. And I am 100% in support of showing some understanding when a woman cannot (or chooses not to) breastfeed.
Great post – it made me laugh, and it made me think. The best kind of reading!