My Husband Gave Me a Scale for My Birthday

See this scale? Yeah, I just got one of these from my husband FOR MY BIRTHDAY.

I know it sounds bad…and it is bad, but allow me to sort of explain.

We just spent a ton of money on a treadmill, money I’ve been trying to rationalize by working out like an asshole to amortize the cost. The treadmill is fancy, tracking fitness goals and all that good stuff so it requires me to input my weight before every workout. Fine, except our digital scale was a moody bitch. One minute I was 138 pounds, the next I was 127, five minutes later I was 146. So yeah, we needed a new scale.

My birthday was last weekend and I’m notoriously hard to buy for. Knowing this, I try to make gift giving opportunities as foolproof as possible. I made it known the only thing I wanted was a pair of Ray-Bans I’d need to pick out myself because I have a really big face. What? I do.

So last Saturday my husband gave me pink roses, a red velvet birthday cake, and a wrapped gift far too large and heavy to be a pair of Ray-Bans – even for a face as large as mine. “Don’t get excited,” he tells me, “This isn’t your real present. I just wanted you to have something to open.” Sweet, right? Wrong. It was an effing scale…[read more]

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