My Glitter

Today I found myself majorly stressed out about my annual pap appointment. Scratch that, I’ve been stressed out since I made the appointment 8 days ago and the fact that I haven’t had a female exam in over 2 years. For shame.

I don’t know what it is about the gyno that has me all stressed out. I mean, other than the obvious fondling, 3rd base action and overwhelming concern about the appearance of my glitter.

Yes, I just called my vagina my “glitter”. I don’t know why I just did that. I usually call it my “bajango”.

I always make my gyno appointments in the morning for obvious reasons and today I agonized over the state of my glitter like never before.

Was she happy?

Was she presentable?

Was she ready?

I worried about her even though that selfish glitter didn’t give a crap about me.

I recently broke up with my healthcare provider which happened to be the same one I’ve had for like my entire life. Breaking up with my cool gyno on account of leaving my job killed me. She knew me, she knew my glitter. My glitter liked her and she’s a tough cookie lemme tell you. I had to find a new doctor, one my glitter would approve of, so I did what anyone does and chose a name I liked out of the provider handbook.

Her name was Dr. O. and I suspected she was Filipino. Yes! I love me some Filipinos. I married one. Filipinos are the nicest and warmest people ever. Is that a generalization? No, it’s a fact.

Dr. O. came into the exam room and my lady bits were ready to get the show on the road on account of the icy temperature in that sterile room. She introduced herself, we chatted about Filipino food and she got busy with her speculum. It was interesting. I’ve never discussed balut on my back with the female all up in my glitter but whatevs. She didn’t care, so neither did my glitter. Somehow talking about fertilized duck embryos made everything better.

When all was said and done I wondered why I took the extra 30 minutes to groom impeccably or really, why I cared about how my glitter felt at all.

I think I figured it out.

364 days is just long enough for your glitter to get shy. When you’re pregnant you’re like hey, here she is! You didn’t bother with your glitter because you couldn’t even see her over that baby bump. When you’re not pregnant however, your glitter becomes a moody bitch who demands sweet talking and clever coaxing to greet the world. She’s such a prima donna.

I’m happy pappy now that my pap is over and my glitter seems to be in a good emotional space right now. Let’s hope her highness stays that way.

Do tell, how do you ahem, prepare for your girly appointment?

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Comments

  1. HA! This reminds me of that email joke that was flying around years ago. The woman is running late for her gyno appointment, so she runs into the restroom to clean up with a washrag that’s sitting on the sink. Her gyno starts laughing when she’s checking out the goods because they’re covered in glitter – her daughter had used the washrag to clean up after craft time.

  2. LMAO … my boyfriend looked over and said “Wait, go back up, she calls her vagina “glitter”?” and laughed … gotta love it!

  3. As someone who spends every work day on the other end of the paper sheet, I can personally tell you that I make no judgment of your lady bits/glitter/bajango/va-jay-jay and whether it is trimmed or not – I just want you to be healthy. I also rarely notice (and never care) if you haven’t shaved your legs. I do, however, notice cute socks and toe polish 🙂

    • Cate ~ you made me laugh! Will remember cute socks and fresh nail polish … and FTR: I went to Church w/ my OB/Gyn for years, she never once looked at me sideways in either setting!

  4. OMGosh, you just brought back a memory …. and will have to write it and totally copy/link whatever that thing is – you into it 😉
    Iol, did that even made sense … but at least you have a year til the next ‘shiny’ experience!

  5. Glitter needs her own dressing room. And M&Ms. Red, of course.

  6. Girl you said it all. I get so damn nervous too and it’s about a 2 sec thing….Ok now you have me all nervous for no reason!

  7. Oh God….now I will be agonizing about my “lady bits” for a few days at least….my apptmis set for dec 21st. Ugh…….haven’t been in a year and a half, but thanks for the smiles and laughs. I love it! Maybe we’ll talk about what other women call their lady bits…..that could be informative haha

  8. lmao!

  9. Brilliant…as usual! Loved it!

  10. omg i have got to schedule one of these as well and im not looking forward to it at all. lol

  11. Lord I haven’t had a non-pregnant exam in… forever. Of course, I haven’t BEEN non-pregnant in forever. But I general just take a good shower and think really hard about trimming, and then decide not to.

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