Somewhere around 12 months, your child will lose interest in their lovely infant toys with gentle soothing sounds. Apparently by the 18+ month mark, toy manufacturers believe your child’s eardrums are in full working order because toys designated for that age start getting really loud and obnoxious.
As a toy, the quickest way to turn me off is to be freakishly loud without a volume control. I mean, who thought that was a good idea?
It is a simple truth; the loud abominable toys are always bought by others. You know it’s true, your child’s friends and grandparents wrap up these auditory nightmares and give them away, laughing to themselves, “Hahahaha, Mom and Dad are gonna love this!” Since a parent would never deliberately subject their ears to such chaos, we buy the least-offensive toys for our kids knowing we are going to have to listen to them incessantly. We deal with enough crying and whining to last 3 lifetimes, why on earth would we want to listen to SpongeBob Squarepants laugh his ridiculous laugh 6,000 times in a row? And SpongeBob, really…nothing is that funny.
Never afraid of controversy, I’ll admit my dirty little secret: I “break” and/or “lose” obnoxious toys on purpose. Word.
It all began innocently enough, BooBoo was gifted a toy guitar – complete with a whammy bar that played all sorts of groovy tunes. While that may sound perfectly fine, those groovy little tunes played at the most deafening volume known to man. Lear jets are quieter, I kid you not. And since I simply could not coexist in the same house with said guitar (and I’m the one paying the mortgage), I did what any mom would do – I threw it away.
I know right? Totally hardcore.
Look, I had to do it for me, for my street and for my county, it was just THAT loud. That toy was so deafening that I couldn’t even bring myself to donate it to charity. I could never subject some other kid’s eardrums to that thing for fear of bad toy karma and I just couldn’t have that on my soul. Even this processed blond knew the obvious and gentler solution would have been to remove the batteries. Yes, but BooBoo is smart, just like your kids, and he would have just continued asking me to fix it over and over and over if it remained in plain sight. So, bleeding eardrums or eternal pleading? Neither. I chose trash; problem solved. Did BooBoo look for the guitar? Yes. Did he ask me to help him find it? Indeed. Will it ever be found? Negatory, that guitar swims with the fishes. So he cried for a minute and then found entertainment with a bendy straw – score!
Here is where my secret gets even dirtier and I become even more of a rebel:
Sometimes the toys aren’t even bad; they just offend me for some non-specific reason.
Case in point, Barney.
There was a time that I loved Barney. He was so purple and kind, teaching all those morals and manners. The problem was I got my fill of Barney and his posse with my eldest son. Once BooBoo came along, well, he latched onto Barney like nothing I have ever seen. He lived and breathed for “Marney” as he called him and it bordered on obsessive. I ultimately found myself developing passive aggressive feelings toward Barney who never did anything to me (aside from that “I Love You” song heard even in my sleep), but BooBoo and Barney were going to have to end their love affair.
Thankfully, the pair eventually went their separate ways because they both wanted different things. Or maybe the breakup wasn’t as much mutual as previously thought. When BooBoo’s eyes started wandering, Barney went missing. We presume he found his way to some less fortunate kids, but we can’t be sure, it’s all speculation really. All I know is that Barney don’t live here no mo. Sure, there were good times, memories light the corners of my mind and all that. It was real and it was fun and it was real fun, but now it’s over and I have SpongeBob and his obnoxious laugh to contend with…
…or do I?
Fess up, have you ever broken or trashed a toy for selfish reasons?
MOMMYFRIEND 
How can I resist reading with that headline and illustration!!
Ahhhh, the early days of motherhood. Seems like just yesterday. Everyone told me they would grow up fast. Just didn’t expect it to be THIS fast.
xoxo,
Kim
Happy SITS Day!
We’ve had toys that have mysteriously broke or gotten lost. Oops – lol! My mom has this firetruck that just will not die! It randomly makes noise and the voices sound a little, ok a lot, creepy. Instead of throwing it away she tries to pawn it off on my. Heck no, woman!!! She bought it for her house and at her house it will stay!
Hmmmm… this confession “hit a cord” right away… then I saw the picture and I screamed… I own that same toy!!!
I got lucky – neither of my sons liked Barney – whew! But I did have to endure the creepy Teletubbies with my youngest.
I know what you mean about some of those toys being SO loud. I really worried about the effect they had on my sons’ hearing. Of course as you said, they were always bought by other people – I secretly cursed them. For some of the toys, there was an off button for the sound and the boys were too young to figure out what I did. For other truely obnoxious ones, I hid them in the garage for a month or two, then threw them away – I agree that I couldn’t give them away to charity because I didn’t want to subject some other child’s parents to it (or the child’s ears).I’m following you now. If you’d like you can follow me at http://www.wiimom.blogspot.com
Oh my gosh! You are so right it is scary! (is it bad I have too?!)yu-gi-oh, barney,spongebob… lol this is too much, I have forwarded it on – keep it up!
Laughing my butt off :0Too funny and so very true. You go girl!!!
best-post-ever. Loved it. So incredibly true. The giving of obnoxious toys is a rite-of-passage that no parent in the 20th (or 21st) century has been spared. Even back in the old-days (when everything was black and white)parents got things like clackers and kazoos (which could only be silenced through total destruction and frequently caused banishment from “inside” between dawn to dusk). But think about it without that stuff little boys would never have invented dragsters, monster trucks and (I may be too bold here but) Rock and Roll! So, rock on with your bad toys lads – I await a future of noisy innovation!
I know exactly what you mean about those toys becoming loud and obnoxious! LOLThanks so much for the sweet comment on twittermoms! Glad you found me since now I know where I can find you!Nice to “meet” you and look forward to blogging with you! 🙂
Love your blog! Looking forward to following you!
YOU CRACK ME UP! I really enjoyed reading this. I DO NOT think less of you, in fact I think you are brilliant! My dirty little secret… the same thing works with my husbands “stuff”. It just disappears.9 times out of 10, he never even notices it is gone. I usually put it away somewhere for a little while first to make sure he really doesn’t ever use it. But if after a little while that magazine or ugly collectible beer mug never crosses his mind, it too isn’t in my my house no mo. LOLLooking forward to following you!http://jessicanfamily.blogspot.com
Well, now that I know your “Dirty Little Secret”, I guess I’ll have to find someone else to inherit my grand piano. Don’t think it will fit in the trash!!Love your article.
Totally agree – and isn’t this so true…”So he cried for a minute and then found entertainment with a bendy straw, score!” Idea – paid service to rid others homes of such kid paraphernalia? There are paid services to wash out trash cans, why not?
Barney is the devil and has never been allowed in this house. Only once did my mom, while taking care of Hunter, turned that God forsakin’ show on, and it was the last time. Muuahhhhhh… Yes, my mom is still alive. 😉 I just remove batteries and/or don’t replace them. He doesn’t ask very often to fix or change batteries. Though now he says he can do it himself if I just give him the batteries.