My Heart Hurts

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I’ve never written about my job outside the home except to say the logistics of working motherhood are challenging, and that’s putting it mildly.

About 6 months ago, Boy Wonder began struggling and I obviously internalized the reasons why; total mom thing to do.  He needed me more than ever in his life and working outside the home began to take on even greater challenges for me.  I’ve been a working mother as long as I’ve been a mother and I, like most working mothers, have battled the unforgiving guilt.  Lately the guilt is beginning to have a profound affect on me and subsequently, our entire family.  I’ve wanted to stay home since Boy Wonder was born, he’s 8 now.

As a child, my mom worked full-time.  I was a daycare kid who grew to be a latch-key kid.  As an only child I knew what it was to feel lonely.  I knew what it was to miss my parents at parent participation events at school.  I also knew this was just the way it had to be.

It’s clear to me that these circumstances affect every child differently.  Boy Wonder needs me, maybe more than I ever needed my parents.  In fact, I know he does.

Unfortunately, not every mom has the opportunity or privilege to stay home with her children.  This working mom leaves her heart behind each and every morning.

I’ve kept this to myself for too long and it feels unfair to withhold an issue pertaining to motherhood that weighs so heavily on my heart.  I know some of you are nodding your heads right now.  I know you leave your heart behind.  I know.

Struggling.

Comments

  1. Sending you a gigantic hug!

  2. I am right there with you. We are making the best of not the ideal b/c we are doing what we feel is best for the family as a whole. I get frustrated with the insinuation that there is a choice by those that get the priviledge of staying at home. I have no choice. My income is the primary not b/c I want it that way but b/c of our economy and we are choosing not to live off of government assistance. I find peace in the way that it is b/c I know that is the best that I can do right now and that God has it under control.

  3. Mommyfriend says:

    I’m so glad you were about to make it work Kristin.  It’s these stories that give me a  lot of hope and inspiration to make a change.  WIshing you continued blessings!

  4. Mommyfriend says:

    I appreciate, “Just know whatever decision you make, it’s the right decision for you and your family.”  Those words aren’t said often enough to our fellow moms.  Your comment means a lot to me.

  5. Mommyfriend says:

    It does hurt all the same.  Motherhood is so bittersweet.

  6. Mommyfriend says:

    Best of luck to you!  Take comfort in knowing there is a whole group of women out there who feel the same way. XOXO

  7. Mommyfriend says:

    Thanks Devan.  He’s a good boy I just wish I could do more.

  8. Mommyfriend says:

    Loukia, sorry!  I know you understand where I’m coming from.  Thanks for the hugs.

  9. Mommyfriend says:

    That special someone must be the most awesome person you ever met in your whole life.  I bet she and I could be BFF.  Staying in faith girl!

  10. Mommyfriend says:

    Thank you so much.  We’ve got a few ideas…praying…hoping…

  11. Mommyfriend says:

    Martin, I’m working on it (crosses fingers).  Thanks for your support.

  12. Mommyfriend says:

    Thank you for such a comforting comment, I appreciate it more than you know.

  13. Mommyfriend says:

    “It kills me to know that my babies need me, and I can’t always be the one that comforts them.” — You said it Dora.

  14. Mommyfriend says:

    It’s hard Mandy.  We’re looking for ways to simplfy our everyday to see if it helps make a difference.

  15. My heart goes out to you. I completely understand where you are right now. I was in the same place when my oldest (now 8) was 6 months old and I had to return to work. Everyone told me it would get easier, but it didn’t. We lived in NYC and couldn’t make it on one salary. We decided to move and downsized significantly so that I could be at home. It was the right choice for our family and I am grateful we could make it work. I realize that not every family can do this and we made a number of changes to make it work. In the end it was the right decision for us.

  16. I hope my comment went through, just received an error message that normally doesn’t appear. My heart goes out to you. Just know whatever decision you make, it’s the right decision for you and your family. I want lie to you and say being at home is perfect but it works for me. I’m still winding down the last of my attorney stuff, but I don’t ever see going back. My husband and I have sacrificed a lot for the girls, so I could be with them in their early years. Sometimes I get overwhelmed with being at home, but seeing my girls grow outweighs everything. ~Hugs~

  17. Wow, as if this doesn’t hit home for me! My husband and I talk about this battle everyday. It’s so hard to leave my baby behind every morning while I go and teach. It feels so wrong to be taking care of other people’s children, while mine is in someone else’s loving hands. I know teaching is different from childcare, but the hurt is all the same. Thank you for this post.

  18. This post hit hard as I’m moving from a part-time work at home most of the time status to full time hours and mostly at the office. I was just thinking in the school line that I will miss doing that every day. I feel you.

  19. sending you love. i can only imagine how difficult it is to leave for work when your heart badly wants to be elsewhere. HUGS.

  20. This post made me cry at work and in fact, I have a post that I’m writing about this very topic. It’s so, so hard to work outside of the home when your children are young and needing you. Granted, I’m thankful and blessed that my inlaws and mom and grandmother look after my boys when I am at work, but still, I wish it was me at home with them, cooking them dinner, instead of eating what my inlaws or parents make for the kids and us. It’s tough, so tough. I wish there was some way I could make this money staying home, but there is not, and yes, I do need to work. I hate missing out on 8 hours of quality time with my kids every single day. It sucks. You are not alone in how you feel, mama. HUGE HUGS to you.

  21. I’m just going to post a little excerpt someone has shared with me, a special someone I turn to when I’m feeling the way you are now..”God has great things already arranged for you. He’s released them into your future. You may not be able to see it (I know you do, though). You may not be able to figure it out. That’s okay. Just stay in faith and keep at your best and you’ll be amazed at what you walk into. It’s time for favor.

  22. Wish I could reach in and just give you a big hug.Take it day by day, with your talent and that creative man of yours … who knows what you will come up with. But being able to be honest with yourself is a huge step … much love to you xxx

  23. Hi Lori,

    Well you have definitely take the first step by expressing your feelings and guilt. I’m proud of you. The next thing you need to do is gather all your courage and do something about it. You definitely don’t want another 8 years to pass by. You need a plan. You are definitely very good at communicating to an online audience. Maybe you would like to create a few more sites and blogs, optimize them a bit, and the next thing you know, this may allow you to work from home.

    Wishing you all the best,
    Martin

  24. This post pulled at my heart strings. The fact that you worry about these things tells me that you’re doing what you can do and I have no doubt that your son knows you love him and if you were able, you would be with him more often. Kids are resilient, more so than we give them credit for. Try to go easy on yourself. I know that’s easier said than done – but he will be ok. Keep giving him everything that you can and he will no doubt tell you one day that he found you inspiring for making it all work – for loving him and being with him whenever you were able, all while keeping your family going financially. He’ll see your sacrifices and your unending love and that will carry him through.

  25. *nods head* I feel you. When my babies were getting sick week after week, I thought “government assistance couldn’t be that bad!” Really I thought of it, because I felt my babies needed me more than anything material I could give them. As working mom’s it’s not one tough choice, it’s several M-F. It kills me to know that my babies need me, and I can’t always be the one that comforts them. My only consolation is that their father works nights and takes them during most of the day, and that works for now. (((((Lori))))) virtual hug for you. I hope Boy Wonder and you get through this rough patch.

  26. Oh, Lori. My heart aches for you! I’m so sorry. Even though I’m so blessed NOW to be able to stay at home, there was a time that I also left my heart behind when I dropped off our 2 oldest at daycare, and then cried all the way to work-sobbing on the phone with my husband all the way. I do understand.

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