Out of the Closet

Seriously?

By the end of your pregnancy, you are pretty much over your maternity clothes which have been in heavy rotation over the last 25 weeks.  You have worn the same 4 outfits every 4 days and by this time, they (and you) have seen much better days.  It is my sincere hope that my pregnant Mommy Friends realize that following the birth of their precious bundle, they will continue sporting those same 4 maternity outfits until their jiggly parts get back to “normal”.

I use the term normal pretty loosely (no pun intended) because there is simply nothing normal about your gargantuan boobs or undeniable muffin top postpartum.  Once you are all healed following your delivery war, you will soon be ready to join the masses in your return to wearing regular clothes.  Welcome back, you were missed.  May I strongly recommend at this point that before you even crack open your closet door, you immediately run out and buy yourself a shiny new pair (or 5) of Spanx, they take the edge off considerably.  

Beware ye who enter here.

You greet your closet with a flood of emotions:

Surprise: “Ooo, I forgot about this!”

Fear: “Will I always look like this?”

Doubt: “This will never fit again!”

Armed with your Spanx, you begin the tedious journey of trying to piece together workable ensembles from mere fragments of your wardrobe while assessing the postpartum damage.  On this day, you will find a new appreciation for the “fat clothes” in the back of your closet.  The very fat clothes you despised wearing pre-pregnancy will become your saving grace because I’m guessing that’s all that’s fitting right about now. 

“Water, water everywhere and not a drop to drink.”

It is depressing, you need a drink (or 5) and God help you Mommy Friend if you are returning to work 6 weeks postpartum as I did.  The emotions of leaving your baby paired with finding workable career wear in your closet are the ultimate insult to injury.  There, there Mommy Friend, I too have shoved my ass into pre-pregnancy size 8 Worthington slacks with a sweater tied around my waist on my first day back at work.  I feel for you.  

Even if you aren’t returning to work, chances are you are not resolved to wear maternity clothes forever and so you have the illustrious pleasure of going shopping for clothes at least 2-3 sizes larger than you were pre-pregnancy.  You don’t want to spend a lot of money because you don’t intend to stay this size, right?  We never do.

Once time passes and you settle into life as a Mommy Friend, you will most likely end up somewhere between your pre-pregnancy size and your postpartum size unless you are Sporty Spice or ultra determined to get your pre-pregnancy sexy back. 

Today I am not at my pre-pregnancy size and things are most certainly not where they used to be.  That said, its been 2 ½ years since Little BooBoo was born and I’m simply not unhappy enough physically to motivate myself.  I can rock the cellulite and saddlebags with the best of ‘em but to all you Mommy Friends who take the time to work out, you deserve every bit of your hot mama status.  As I apparently take the time to blog instead of working out, I throw accountability to the wind and attribute my flabbiness to you, my dearest Mommy Friends, for the sake of your entertainment.  I’m a giver like that and I gladly do it all for you.