Last week things got kinda heavy on this normally light-hearted blog when I shared my pregnancy journal of the baby I lost at 9 weeks. Back when I was struggling with my loss I remember wishing more had been written about the anxiety and mixed emotions involved with deciding to try again. I wish I could offer more to the Mommy Friend facing such a personal loss who finds herself standing at a crossroads. All I can do is share the next entry in my personal journal as I make the terrifying decision to try again.
Little did I know at the close of 2006 that our story was just beginning.
December 31, 2006: Here We Go Again
What a long, strange trip it’s been. 2006 proved to be a year filled with overwhelming emotion and uncertainty. We lost our second baby at 9 weeks on August 29, 2006 and since then I’ve been very wary about trying again. [Big Daddy P]’s been wonderful, telling me all the time how blessed we are to have [Boy Wonder]. Our beautiful son is filled with enough personality and love to satisfy our longing for another child, even if we never know the joy again of meeting the miracle that has grown inside of me. I just read the book, Trying Again- The Complete Guide to Pregnancy After Miscarriage, Stillbirth or Infant Loss and this book has taught me above all, that I am simply not alone in my fears. Like so many other women who have dealt with loss, in a lot of ways I feel like my body has betrayed me. While miscarriage occurs for a variety of unspecified reasons, I can’t help but feel responsible for our loss. After all, it was my job to house and protect our second baby for 40 weeks and I was only able to sustain her for a mere 9. As much progress as I sometimes feel I’ve made with coming to terms with our loss, I have days, like today, where I feel tremendous loss.
Yesterday was a strange day for me. I devoured the aforementioned book, Trying Again and then my son asked me out of the blue if there was a baby in my tummy. I answered him no and explained that God hasn’t put one there for us. He then told me to tell God that I wanted one because he wanted one. I wiped the tears away from my eyes and told him I would. Not 2 hours later I received the most wonderful news I could hope for. My best friend, who has been struggling with infertility for 4 long years, announced that she was pregnant! What a blessing indeed! I have said a thousand prayers for my friend and her husband for this day, and I finally felt like God had heard my prayers. But suddenly, out of nowhere, my heart was filled with sorrow when I realized that my best friend and I would have been pregnant at the same time had I only been able to sustain my pregnancy. We would have had children that were only six months apart in age. How sad I felt for my baby, knowing she will never have a friendship with another child like the one I have with my pregnant friend. My friend is my sister in the truest sense and I feel overwhelmingly guilty that I would even allow my own sorrow to overshadow this blessed news. How selfish and terrible I feel. I have wished and prayed for this moment for years and years and yet the day has come and I am only reminded of what my child will never have. 2007 was supposed to be a year of new beginnings. I was due March 16, 2007 and I can only pray that on that day my life will have taken enough of a turn that I may actually be preoccupied enough with some wonderful facet of my life to forget about the pain and focus on the positive.
[Big Daddy P] and I had a very poignant conversation last night about whether to try again. We both have tremendous fear about how I would handle a potential subsequent loss. I feel so scared of my body, scared of my feelings and scared of the future when faced with this decision. I feel so foolish when I go back and read my second pregnancy journal because I am filled with so much hope and faith, blissfully unaware of what my pregnancy would bring. I am having trouble finding that faith in the future again. I prayed for clarity last night above all things. I also prayed for another baby. I know what it is like to have an amazing pregnancy and then give birth to a baby with a problem. I know what it is like to have a terrible pregnancy resulting in a loss. I want to experience a pregnancy and birth that results in a perfect human that my heart will shower with all the love I wasn’t able to give my second baby and all the love I will undoubtedly feel for my third.
And so our terrifying journey of trying to conceive again begins. I am feeling very out of my element and horribly vulnerable in this decision but nothing worthwhile ever came easily. If God wishes to bless us again, it would have all been worth it. Every tear, every sorrow, every prayer would have meant something, because it would have brought us to our next beautiful baby.
I am so thankful to share that our story had a happy ending. On January 13, 2007, exactly 2 weeks after I wrote this journal entry we found out that we were expecting our next beautiful baby, affectionately known today as Little BooBoo.