I just broke up with Gisele.
Supermodel Gisele Bundchen and I have been on the rocks for a while. Sure, maybe you haven’t read about our tumultuous relationship in Us Weekly, but I’m taking to Mommyfriend to bring you the exclusive.
Perfect Gisele gave birth to a perfect baby boy with her perfect husband, Tom Brady about 8 perfect months ago. Ever since she claimed her birth didn’t hurt “in the slightest” and was back in her skinny jeans 24 hours postpartum, things have been, well, strained between us. As if it wasn’t enough that her superior genetics made me feel subhuman, the fact that she potty trained her son at 6 months old and publicized it to the universe was enough to make me want to see other people.
Gisele’s latest stunt proved once and for all that it’s not me, it’s her.
She recently proclaimed in Harper’s Bazaar UK Fashion Issue that there should be a worldwide law that requires mothers to breastfeed their babies for at least 6 months.
A “worldwide law” huh? And who exactly oversees this imaginary Worldwide Law Federation? Perhaps it’s Gisele, Queen of Planet Earth.
And yes, for the gazillionth time, breastfeeding is best. We all know this; we hear it all the time, even in our sleep. The difference between Gisele and the rest of the Mommy Friend population (aside from the superior bone structure and hair of pure gold strands) is this:
Mommy Friends know that not every mother can breastfeed. There are women who simply don’t produce enough milk. There are women with health conditions that prohibit milk production. There are women in the midst of a nervous breakdown trying to nurse unsuccessfully. There are women who simply elect not to breastfeed. These are our choices to make as a mother.
Since we are apparently now instituting worldwide laws, maybe we can start a new law prohibiting mothers from telling other mothers how to mother.
Then again, it’s Gisele’s world, we’re just living in it.