A Note to Big Daddy P: You have been such a good sport to be the subject this blog entry; just another reason to love you.
Mommy Friends, tell me I am not the only one whose husband is yet another child she has become mom to. Let me preface this by saying Big Daddy P and I make a great team. He’s mean, I’m nice. He’s slapstick, I’m witty. He’s vanilla and I’m chocolate, a veritable yin to each other’s yang. He completes me and all that gooey stuff; I am one lucky mother for sure.
Yet, even in spite of all his fantastical qualities, somewhere along the way I became his mother. Is this what happens when we love someone, we become their mother? Scheduling their appointments, cooking their meals, washing their undies…hmm, if it looks like a mom and walks like a mom then it’s probably a mom.
Big Daddy P, a child at heart
Do you remember when you were first living with your man, how super fun it was to even iron his shirt? It was his shirt that you were ironing with the iron that belonged to the both of you! OK, so maybe ironing was never your idea of domestic bliss, but you know what I mean. Nothing gave me greater joy than cooking my husband dinner and watching him clean his plate. Aww, I thrived on domestication and it was so sweet. What I didn’t know then was that the domestic pleasures that gave me so much satisfaction would later come to feel like just another chore on the checklist that is my life.
As my partner in crime, Big Daddy P has been assigned to take care of all the dirty, gross and technical jobs. But when you think about it, how often do you really need the toilet snaked or a dishwasher installed? Not that often. How often do you need to schedule an appointment or cook a meal, uh…pretty much all the freakin’ time. We Mommy Friends have made life look so supremely easy that I am afraid our master scheduling talents may have led us to The Land of Resentment, an ugly place to be.
If we have the everyday variety chores and they have the sometimes chores, is that fair? I work with a wonderful Mommy Friend who has a lovely 18 year old daughter. She told her daughter something I wish my mom had told me, she said, “You will always have to do more than anyone in your household. More than your husband, more than your kids. It is what moms and wives do”. True dat Mommy Friend. She didn’t tell her daughter out of anger or spite, but simply out of resigned truth.
Have you ever wondered what your partner would do without you? Do they know how to schedule a doctor’s appointment through your HMO or where the immunization records live? Do they know when the kids need their teeth cleaned and what days the school is closed? I have a sneaking suspicion they don’t, but that’s only because they don’t have to; they have you.
I’ll admit I was feeling pretty smug with that last sentence until I realized…I don’t know how to shut off the main water or the last time the lawn was aerated or what aerated even means. My gut is telling me that you Mommy Friends don’t know either. We don’t know because we are too pretty to have to (obviously), but more importantly, it’s not our job. And while his chores may be less frequent, they are about 1,000 times more awful. I wouldn’t want to get rid of the dead possum in our backyard or clear my nasty hair clog out of the drain, hell to the no!
It seems I had let myself get so caught up in keeping score of who does what and how often that I had lost sight of the big picture. The beautiful big picture of caring for the man I love with a humble heart and to the best of my ability. He’d move mountains for me; it seems folding his socks is the least I can do.
A great big special thank you goes out to Big Daddy P for all the encouragement he has given me in creating this website. He has been my technical support, illustrator (yes, those sketches are his!) and my endless inspiration. You are the real deal; lucky me.